My dearest friend had a baby yesterday. Her first. I’m 500 miles away and all I can see are pictures of her precious, sweet baby and I badly want to squeeze her! Babies are so squishy and new!
I was reminded that babies are also very deceiving. As you watch them silently sleep, making little sucking gestures with their perfect cupid lips, you forget all about the relentless, sleepless nights and the hours of uncontrollable screaming where you simultaneously think “what the hell is wrong with you?” and “what the hell is wrong with me?”. As they gurgle and look deep into your mommy soul with their innocent, clear eyes, you forget the stretch marks, mama hips and raccoon eyes you now possess. As they curl their tiny little fingers around your hand, you forget that you have no idea who or what you are other than a mommy, because you have completely lost any sense of self you’ve ever had giving every cell of your being to your tiny little poop machine.
Now, I have 3 young kiddos. You’d think I’d have enough crazy in my life to even allow a tiny pang of longing for another baby to emerge. But, like I said, newborn babies are deceptive, wily creatures.
And so is the female anatomy and endocrine system. Many say a man is controlled by their penis. But put a mom in the vicinity of a delicious newborn (with that intoxicating newborn smell!) and her uterus and all those female hormones take the wheel and drive.
Thankfully, my mind does a pretty good job of shutting my coveting uterus the hell up. This is because my mind knows that real mommy experience is the only effective weapon against magical newborn powers.
Take today, I took my 3 kids grocery shopping, right after school…when they are at their most tired, cranky and whiny state ever in the day. Brilliant. Needless to say, I seriously contemplated selling them. As I oogled the pictures of my friend’s newborn baby, my mind politely reminded me that I also considered wrapping them up in plastic wrap and leaving them in the meat section. Another baby? Seriously?
But, newborn babies are tricky and can never be trusted. They have mad baby skills of persuasion and illusion. They’ll make you lose sight of the fact that babies turn into toddlers that scream “MAMAMAMAMAMA!” while pulling your shirt down to expose your bra to your fellow grocery shoppers. They turn into preschoolers that whine- aisle after aisle-about the Red Dye #40 infused cereal you won’t buy. They turn into 1st graders who, unbeknownst to you stuff about 10,000 twist ties from the produce section in their pocket to make fashionable rings and necklaces with.
So today’s grocery shopping hell actually had a silver lining. It is yet another experience I can readily refer to that reminds me that having another baby is not recommended.
P.S. If and when my children read this when they are older: I love you three little nuggets. With all my heart. I’d choose a million maniacal grocery shopping trips over a life without you. XOXO Mama.